I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
