Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
