All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
