4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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