drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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