you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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