wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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