Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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