My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
