i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
