walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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