That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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