words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
