i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
