So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
