I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
