I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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