More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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