Will you blow on my dice?
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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