Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
