Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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