I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
