sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
