woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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