i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I think my moral compass just broke
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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