so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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