You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
