It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
