i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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