He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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