Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
