He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I didn't shave. On purpose
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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