i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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