he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I am one with the molecules
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
