There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
