my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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