She is in my trunk
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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