he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
