smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
