So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
