my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
