I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
