This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
