I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I have demons in me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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