You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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