I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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