I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
