Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
