I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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