About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
