Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize