I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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