I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
