everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
