I've blown a few things in my day
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
